The blog of Chris

I’ve been wondering for a while whether or not to do a more diary-type blog entry on this blog.

At the moment I’ve kept it to short random thoughts that I believe are either deliberately stupid, just an insult, or a deliberate joke that I’ve constructed. By telling you this, it kind of ruins the point. I think some are quite clever, but are so unfunny that they just come across as stupid. Which is great. Because that means you haven’t understood that it’s a joke. Which is the point.

So I think maybe an diary-type update here or there would be good. Then I can shoe-horn in a subtle “joke” when I fancy. Any stories on here are true and the so-called (by me) jokes are usually because I’ve thought of them whilst out-and-about or in-and-around. I don’t “work” on thinking of things to write on here. Except this entry…

I’ve also been thinking of making a “Facebook status” compilation. I think I’ve wasted some good one-liners on there. One-liners that I haven’t stolen from a “Funny Status” website. Anyway, they are long gone now.

I have a perfectly average life. A few downs, a few ups. That way, I’m never devastated, but I’m not usually too impressed either. I’m normally happy at least. Would anyone even read it? I don’t mind.

So, maybe I will, maybe I won’t. At least that’s for certain.

I love hearing this excuse for having a little extra weight.

The thing is, it doesn’t even make sense. How can a massive belly and double chin be attributed to having a wide frame?

Tell you what, go to the gym everyday for a month, and then see how big boned you are.

When was the last time you saw a fat skeleton?

A couple of rubbish jokes. There must be some value in these… maybe good enough for a Xmas cracker… or not…

If you choke whilst eating spaghetti, do you get rescued by Super Noodle?

The animal actors performed well, except the dog’s bark was a little wooden.

I can not think of a more pointless gimmick for a religious holiday than a chocolate egg.

Except for Christmas presents, Mother’s Day cards, Valentine cards, and pancakes.

The 4-day weekend is more than enough for me.

Here are some more social rules to make life run smoothly for everyone.

When you are walking around in crowded places, do not feel obliged to stick to logical routes. It is not necessary to keep to the left. You are free to walk anywhere you like. You are also encouraged to take sharp turns at speed across the flow of people. It is in their interest to make room for you. Do not, under any circumstances feel as if you are in the wrong. This activity is enhanced if you have a push-chair or pram.

Also, you do not need to be concerned with stopping suddenly either. If you have forgotten something (usually a birthday card or something in Boots) then stop immediately in your tracks. Take two to three seconds to re-plan your route before continuing. Please do not be concerned with anyone behind you. They are more than capable of avoiding you. Any “tuts” or comments should be ignored.

The best time of the week to go food shopping is on a Saturday morning. It is the most popular time with the most people. Therefore, you are safe in the knowledge that the store is running at 100% efficiency and the food will be as fresh as possible.

When pushing your trolley around the store, do not feel any obligation to keep control of it or to leave enough room for people to walk around it. The aisles are very spacious. If someone is walking too close in front of you, it is a well known fact that it will be their fault should you smash into their heels.

To help you think more easily and concentrate more deeply you should make as many nonsensical noises as possible. If people in your presence frown or become annoyed, it is probably for some other unknown reason. This technique can be used whilst playing cards or a board game.

Part one can be found:
http://www.lunamonkey.co.uk/blog/index.php/2008/10/29/social-rules/

I have a choice to make on my stance of Mothering Sunday. It’s a tricky one.

I have to choose between religion and the USA.

You see, most of the holidays and festivals in England have traditional religious roots. Religious roots that I do not believe in, or care about.

The thing is, those happy North Americans love celebrating anything pointless, and invented “Mother’s Day” about 100 years ago.  Hence all the cards we can now buy.

So, do I send my mum a card based on pointless religion, or pointless American festivals?

Here’s a few social rules to make life easier for everyone

When walking into a room or a space, make sure you hang around in the door way. This will give you as much space as possible and make it more difficult for people to get into the room. You will be able to enjoy this space longer than other people and get maximum pleasure out of this situation.

After ordering food in a restaurant, talk to your friends as much as possible. This time is precious and it’s probably an important conversation. When the waiter comes around with some food, make sure you continue talking to your friends. If  the waiter starts to raise his voice and the food is starting to get cold; don’t worry. Sooner or later your food will arrive on your placemat.

When sitting at a table across from someone, don’t worry about checking where their legs are before you move your feet. The chances are very low that you will kick their ankles or shins. It is people’s own responsibility to make sure that their legs are out of your way.

When queuing in a supermarket, the fastest way to get served is to get as close as possible to the person in front of you. The sooner you get your food on the conveyer belt, the faster you will get served. If the person in front of you leaves too much space around them, they may need to be stared at to move forward. If there is no divider in place on the conveyor belt, then either tut or keep looking at the divider until it appears in the correct place. Don’t worry about speaking out loud when in this social situation. During the payment process, feel free to make as much small talk with the person serving you at the till. Do not attempt to pack your bags quickly. This will just panic you.

If you are rich or successful enough to ever take a journey on a plane, you should be aware that messages over the loud speaker are there for entertainment purposes only. The messages about keeping your seat upright and your seat belt on during take-off can be ignored. Please wait until a steward asks you once or twice in person before you follow any instructions. Likewise, after the plane has landed it is advisable to rush up and get your bags out of the overhead storage as fast as possible. Some people like to wait until the aircraft has come to a complete stop and the seat-belt lights have been turned off. However, this is a waste of time and is over-precautions.

When at all possible, take short cuts over small grassed areas. Sometimes when you are out walking, it may not appear that a path is available across a small patch of grass. Don’t let this be a problem. You will find over time that a dusty mud path will appear. It may annoy gardeners and local authorities that you are using a secret short cut, but do not take notice of any signs or plaques telling you to stick to the tarmac paths. These tarmac paths will sometimes add 2 or 3 metres to your desired journey.

I heard a good tip the other day to spice up your love life.

It was “Go out together, but pretend that your lover is a stranger.” Interesting, I thought.

So we’re in the pub together, I asked her for the time, downed my pint and went out with my mates instead.

Over the past couple of years, on numerous topics, I’ve heard people use this line to try persuade beliefs.

Ghost people: “You’re not open-minded enough to see a ghost.”

Religious types: “You’re not open-minded enough to believe in God.”

An open mind to me is one that still retains fundamental truths, yet you can still acquire new information as long as it doesn’t contradict said truths.

If I must have a completely open mind to believe in something, then it can’t be true.

I did a little test for proof :-p

You Are 64% Open Minded

You are a very open minded person, but you’re also well grounded. Tolerant and flexible, you appreciate most lifestyles and viewpoints. But you also know where you stand firm, and you can draw that line. You’re open to considering every possibility – but in the end, you stand true to yourself.

How Open Minded Are You?

If ghosts can pass through any object, including walls, why is it that they never fall through the floors?