The blog of Chris

Here’s a few social rules to make life easier for everyone

When walking into a room or a space, make sure you hang around in the door way. This will give you as much space as possible and make it more difficult for people to get into the room. You will be able to enjoy this space longer than other people and get maximum pleasure out of this situation.

After ordering food in a restaurant, talk to your friends as much as possible. This time is precious and it’s probably an important conversation. When the waiter comes around with some food, make sure you continue talking to your friends. If  the waiter starts to raise his voice and the food is starting to get cold; don’t worry. Sooner or later your food will arrive on your placemat.

When sitting at a table across from someone, don’t worry about checking where their legs are before you move your feet. The chances are very low that you will kick their ankles or shins. It is people’s own responsibility to make sure that their legs are out of your way.

When queuing in a supermarket, the fastest way to get served is to get as close as possible to the person in front of you. The sooner you get your food on the conveyer belt, the faster you will get served. If the person in front of you leaves too much space around them, they may need to be stared at to move forward. If there is no divider in place on the conveyor belt, then either tut or keep looking at the divider until it appears in the correct place. Don’t worry about speaking out loud when in this social situation. During the payment process, feel free to make as much small talk with the person serving you at the till. Do not attempt to pack your bags quickly. This will just panic you.

If you are rich or successful enough to ever take a journey on a plane, you should be aware that messages over the loud speaker are there for entertainment purposes only. The messages about keeping your seat upright and your seat belt on during take-off can be ignored. Please wait until a steward asks you once or twice in person before you follow any instructions. Likewise, after the plane has landed it is advisable to rush up and get your bags out of the overhead storage as fast as possible. Some people like to wait until the aircraft has come to a complete stop and the seat-belt lights have been turned off. However, this is a waste of time and is over-precautions.

When at all possible, take short cuts over small grassed areas. Sometimes when you are out walking, it may not appear that a path is available across a small patch of grass. Don’t let this be a problem. You will find over time that a dusty mud path will appear. It may annoy gardeners and local authorities that you are using a secret short cut, but do not take notice of any signs or plaques telling you to stick to the tarmac paths. These tarmac paths will sometimes add 2 or 3 metres to your desired journey.

I heard a good tip the other day to spice up your love life.

It was “Go out together, but pretend that your lover is a stranger.” Interesting, I thought.

So we’re in the pub together, I asked her for the time, downed my pint and went out with my mates instead.

Over the past couple of years, on numerous topics, I’ve heard people use this line to try persuade beliefs.

Ghost people: “You’re not open-minded enough to see a ghost.”

Religious types: “You’re not open-minded enough to believe in God.”

An open mind to me is one that still retains fundamental truths, yet you can still acquire new information as long as it doesn’t contradict said truths.

If I must have a completely open mind to believe in something, then it can’t be true.

I did a little test for proof :-p

You Are 64% Open Minded

You are a very open minded person, but you’re also well grounded. Tolerant and flexible, you appreciate most lifestyles and viewpoints. But you also know where you stand firm, and you can draw that line. You’re open to considering every possibility - but in the end, you stand true to yourself.

How Open Minded Are You?

If ghosts can pass through any object, including walls, why is it that they never fall through the floors?

So, I was in the 99p store… as you do… and I overheard some excellent healthcare advice.

These two ladies were looking at copper ‘health’ bracelets.

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Lady one: What is this?

Lady two: Oh, the copper cures diseases.

I thought: You’ve slightly stretched the benefits there.

Lady one: But copper makes you go green doesn’t it?

I thought: Ah, some correct information. It _can_ do that.

Lady two: It’s ok, because they coat the bractlets in fake silver.

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Now I’m all for people sharing ‘knowledge’ like this, but surely someone has to check the validity at some point.

I’m just grateful that I’ll see less houses with shitty lights all over the place.

I mean, what the hell does an illuminated train have to do with Jesus?

Have a good one mate!

Also, just because it’s free, don’t over do it on the wine.

The rule is; whoever has the handle on their side has to wait and hold the door for the other person.

There are a few exceptions to this:

• If the person is more than 3 metres away, let them open it themselves.
• If it’s a old person. You allow them through. I reckon the cut off point is 65. Any younger, and they follow the rules.
• Sexy people. You always let good looking people through. Male or female.
• Tall people. They have the right of way.
• Big people. They shouldn’t be resting. Stay clear and let them keep their momentum up.

Christmas trees - Why were they ever brought inside? Leave trees outside. (Many countries do this with their trees)

Baubles - Why were these ever put on trees? What is it? Just nice yeah? Fine.

Tinsel - What is it meant to be? Shiny snakes?

Glitter - It’s just messy. It gets everywhere. Why do they put it on everything? Holograms would be better.

Candy Canes - I only see these at Christmas, and more so recently. Why is that?

Xmas Hats - Yes, I know… the 3 Kings. They also wore sandals. Shall I pop them on for dinner too?

So yeah, some guidelines please or at least someone explain tinsel to me.

Compared to some people, I’ve only got a handful of virtual friends on Facebook. However, it’s becoming increasing hard to take the onslaught of rubbish application requests from people that I never even see in real life.

If you were to suddenly slip off my ‘friends’ list, would you take offence? Would you even notice?

To be honest, I don’t care. I’m not one for pandering to hurt feelings over such trivialities.

I only ever wanted to use Facebook for keeping in touch with people that I already speak to. Maybe also keeping tabs on family.

However, I’m all for giving people the benefit of the doubt. After all, it’s not like I’ve gone out of my way to speak to you either.

Maybe you’re a lurker. Maybe you haven’t access to a PC 24/7. Maybe you just come here to look through other people’s photos.

So if you’re reading this and wondering if you’re going to get the chop, don’t worry. We all like to lurk and I’m not going to punish you for it.

So catch you later,
Chris.