The hypertext online internet web log of Chris

The varying levels of waiter attentive-ness and the imaginary reactions they create.

You aren’t asked for your drinks order for over 9 minutes

The first drink of the evening is often the most sought after. 9 minutes is the exact time it takes a man to drink his first pint. Therefore to make a man wait over 9 minutes for his drink is a crime against humanity.

The waiter asks how everything is before you order any food

This is just a test of your manners. He knows that you haven’t ordered, it’s just interesting to see how you will react. Maybe you’ll be a sarcastic twat and try a witty retort, and then maybe your food will come out all crap.

The waiter asks you how everything is as you move food towards your mouth

Your brain goes into overload. Your mouth wants the food, but your larynx wants to say “Fine, thanks”. You end up saying something inaudible and then you shove the food in as quickly as possible. Then you nod at him like an idiot.

The waiter asks you how everything is just as you start chewing your mouthful of food

Now is the time for The Super Chew. You try hard to chew faster than you have ever chewed before. The steak takes longer than you wish to break down. You end up smiling and nodding at the waiter whilst the mash that you put on top of your steak oozes out between your teeth.

The waiter asks you how everything is towards the end of a mouthful of food

You rush to finish the delicious food between your cheeks. You manage to swallow a whole potato and a sideways carrot, but ultimately you end up smiling like a weirdo and saying “Fine, thanks” with food around your face.

The waiter asks you how everything is, but you’ve eaten all of your meal

You feel as if the tepid nature of your runner-beans warrants an official complaint, but the lack of evidence and trivial nature of your feelings means that you go home in a sulk. Inevitably, your feelings reveal a secret of your past in which you was force-fed cold food on a school trip to Swanage.

The waiter fails to ask how everything is

This is the perfect outcome, but only if you had an acceptably average meal.

Do they make “plain” ice cream? Or has vanilla just become the bottom of the flavour scale?

I hardly ever buy ice cream, but I would _never_ buy vanilla ice cream because it’s just become an icy milky slush.

I really, really like real vanilla though… so…

I urge ice cream makers to put more effort into vanilla ice cream, so it becomes the flavour it never was.

Why make a spoon especially for a food? And if you are going to make a special spoon, at least make it easy to use.

Soup spoons are like twice the width of a normal one. You look like you got a massive gob trying to eat soup.

And don’t get me started on fish knives. That has to be the least used invention ever.

Here’s a quick and thrifty money saving tip for you all.

Next time you are in the supermarket, don’t buy salt.

It’s as simple as that.

But what if you ever find yourself in need of some salt on your fish and chips?

For a delicious and natural seasoning, simply cry over your plate.

Have you ever heard anyone say “I just can’t function without a cup of tea in the morning.”

What are they; a tea-robot?

Tea is just an excuse to fill the silence. It’s getting late, you’ve ran out of conversation…

“Anyone want a cup of tea?”

Easily adds 30 minutes to the evening.