“How’s your tart, Sir?”
The varying levels of waiter attentive-ness and the imaginary reactions they create.
You aren’t asked for your drinks order for over 9 minutes
The first drink of the evening is often the most sought after. 9 minutes is the exact time it takes a man to drink his first pint. Therefore to make a man wait over 9 minutes for his drink is a crime against humanity.
The waiter asks how everything is before you order any food
This is just a test of your manners. He knows that you haven’t ordered, it’s just interesting to see how you will react. Maybe you’ll be a sarcastic twat and try a witty retort, and then maybe your food will come out all crap.
The waiter asks you how everything is as you move food towards your mouth
Your brain goes into overload. Your mouth wants the food, but your larynx wants to say “Fine, thanks”. You end up saying something inaudible and then you shove the food in as quickly as possible. Then you nod at him like an idiot.
The waiter asks you how everything is just as you start chewing your mouthful of food
Now is the time for The Super Chew. You try hard to chew faster than you have ever chewed before. The steak takes longer than you wish to break down. You end up smiling and nodding at the waiter whilst the mash that you put on top of your steak oozes out between your teeth.
The waiter asks you how everything is towards the end of a mouthful of food
You rush to finish the delicious food between your cheeks. You manage to swallow a whole potato and a sideways carrot, but ultimately you end up smiling like a weirdo and saying “Fine, thanks” with food around your face.
The waiter asks you how everything is, but you’ve eaten all of your meal
You feel as if the tepid nature of your runner-beans warrants an official complaint, but the lack of evidence and trivial nature of your feelings means that you go home in a sulk. Inevitably, your feelings reveal a secret of your past in which you was force-fed cold food on a school trip to Swanage.
The waiter fails to ask how everything is
This is the perfect outcome, but only if you had an acceptably average meal.